February has a Broken Smile: San Dimas Canyon, California

As I sit down to write this post my hands start to shake, and my eyes begin to fill up with tears, but I’m going to stay strong so that I can get through this extremely personal post. Today marks a year to date when I lost my best friend. I debated writing about her today because I knew how emotional this would be for me. But I also remembered why I started blogging in the first place, and so I couldn’t think of a better reason to open up to you guys about my little Leila Lou who I called Jacq.  I felt it be ritual if I sat down at the exact moment when I lost her so that I could pour out my heart into my words. Being a blogger can be an open book, but I do tend to keep my personal life private, and so this is tough…

Okay, so here I go. (insert my heavy heart)
A year ago to date, I took Leila to the vet for a routine surgery. She was having her teeth cleaned, and a few basal cell tumors removed from her body as most dogs do in their late years. I was informed by the office that she would be the first surgery of the day and that they would be finished by noon at the latest, but if I hadn’t heard anything from them, then it was safe to assume things went fine and to arrive at 4:30 for pickup. Well, I did receive a call before noon, and the doctor informed me that during her teeth cleaning they found an impacted cyst and that it was causing some infection. I had two options, I could leave the cyst, and she would be put on antibiotics until the infection went away, and then do surgery at a later date. Or the second option was for immediate removal while she was already under anesthesia. With no hesitation, I asked the doctor if this would be safe. She assured me that Leila would be okay to add this procedure on immediately. So I agreed to remove the cyst assuming that this would be the right decision. After this point in the day, things get a little blurry for me. I remember receiving a call that the surgery went fine and to pick Leila up at the scheduled time. Shortly after this call, I went to grab lunch with my close friend at the time, now current boyfriend Nate, and while ordering lunch, I missed a call from the doctors office. I checked my voicemail to hear a serious tone in the doctor’s voice. I quickly stepped outside of the restaurant to call the hospital. The doctor gave me the worst news I could’ve ever received. From this point on my heart was in my hands. For the past twenty minutes, they were trying to revive Leila as she had gone into cardiac arrest. I said how could this happen? Without hesitating with any more words I asked if she was still breathing? The doctor replied that they were holding on and that it was just a matter of minutes. I ran inside the restaurant grabbed Nate, and speeded down the street to the hospital. The three-minute drive felt as though it was an eternity. I jumped out of the car running for my last chance at saying goodbye. No one was at the front desk, but I remembered the silence in the waiting room. In that brief second, I remembered it being packed in the waiting room with pets & their owners by their sides, and it felt as if everyone knew what was happening. At this very moment, I fainted, and Nate slid his hands underneath my arms to catch me from falling. I woke to them walking me back to the surgery room. As I walked over to her, it was a sight I almost wished I didn’t see. Her simple routine operations looked like she had been butchered. Her tongue dangled outside of her mouth. The doctor had shaved little patches all over the place for surgery, and her tiny body was covered with scattered stitches everywhere.  It was awful. I could go into more detail, but I’m afraid I’ve already said enough. Holding her little paw while I listened to her take her last breath will stay with me forever. Knowing that she held on till I came was without a doubt exactly who she was. She was more than a dog, she was more than a friend, she was my other half, and that half is gone. I’m forever scarred on my heart by this loss. And so as I come to closure to this post, and to the end of a very challenging year for me. I’m thankful for this blog that I can release my thoughts, and a place to escape such a complicated world we can live in at times.

I wanted this to be a strong entry. I wanted a chance to let you into a bit of my personal life. She was the reason for this blog. As you look through these photos, you can see the potential she had for Blog Called Jacq. She would’ve been a perfect fit for blogging alongside me.

I’m still a little uncertain as to what could’ve been done differently to prevent her complications after surgery. I no longer blame myself for the decision I made, but it certainly haunts me.

Unfortunately, we’re faced with so many quick decisions, and we’re never sure until they’re said and done if they were the best decisions. In this case, I’ll never know if it was right or wrong, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore because I’ll never have her back in my arms. And as dark as this entry may be, I’m quickly reminded of her bright face that lives on in each post for this blog. Because I’ll never forget the little jacq that waited for me each day rushing into me with kisses, the jacq that touched my heart in ways that no one else ever has. She was true-blue and loved me unconditionally.
We’re never ready for this kind of loss, but it only makes us stronger. With a month filled with so much love, February has a broken smile. So there you have it. She’s the Blog Called Jacq. She’s my angel.

xo,

Tiffany

This is a Personal Category. Therefore, I won’t be adding any Shop the Post, but if you’re interested in what I’m wearing, please leave a comment below, and I will send you links to these items. xo